My Resentment


I resent you for the eggshells that coated
the floors of my childhood homes.
I resent you for the hesitation that clogs my throat like a fog
when you expect me to say 'I love you'.
I resent you for the tears that spring to my eyes,
like a Pavlovian response,
when you raise your voice.
I resent you for every friend that felt uncomfortable
coming over to the house.
I resent you for every time you came into my room
in the middle of the night,
so angry your hands shook,
to let your latest anger at my mother out on me,
because I was awake and you could.
I resent your 'angry face';
jaw tense, eyes hard and burning,
I resent you for every time I see the same fire in my eyes,
and feel the anger shake through me like a 9.0 earthquake.
I resent you for treating my brothers and I
more like your dogs than your children.
I resent you for the snapping.
I resent you for making me feel like I was never good enough,
never all of what I should be.
I resent you for every time you made me feel stupid,
and like my thoughts and opinions didn't matter.
Most of all, I resent you for making me resent you at all.
But despite all that I have to thank you for one thing at least,
the one thing you taught me:
I deserve better.

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