my story

look, it all happened from the start,
yes my life was always this hard.
i’ve never had a dad that actually cared,
just one that only made me scared.
his name was jason, he never stop using,
loved pills, porn, and pop, and listened to rock music.
he ate his big hunk with a code red while watching tv,
and throwing things at my mom when she didn’t do a thing.
he was barely home always out making excuses,
but we all know what he was doin’, no we ain’t stupid.

when he was actually home for a while,
that’s when the problems started to pile.
first came the pills,
the ones he would steal.
yes he stole from his work,
this dishonest pharmacist is a jerk.
but wait there’s more that’s only the beginning,
there never was a time my dad wasn’t sinning.
after 10 years of hell, my mom said enough is enough,
and sent my dad to rehab, she was sick of his bluffs.
when he came back, not much had changed,
he still hated all his kids and didn’t control his rage.
after 8 more years of marriage and endless fights,
my mom was done with all these sleepless nights.
once my mom was done, jason was torn apart,
he wished he never took the pills from the start.
and of course all this ends in a divorce,
but hey leave the kids now don’t act like they’re yours

but now here we are, in two separate homes,
yes we have each other but i’m still all alone.
so angry, i yell, i need more closure,
i can’t contain my feelings when my adhd takes over.
life ain’t fair is what my momma always say,
but it seems like my whole life has always been grey.
my feelings, now paralyzed,
each day waking up wishing i could just die.
wait no, no, i wish you were dead,
then i wouldn’t have these thoughts flooding my head.
the suicidal thoughts are on the loose
maybe i should just go grab the noose.
wait please, no, that’s not what i meant,
so tell the police to leave i was just trying to vent.

they say you want what you can’t have, but all i ever wanted was my dad.
no i can’t say i was ever happy and that kills,
but maybe you shouldn’t have taken those pills.
ha, it’s funny, that the drug gets the blame,
when the selfish addict is the one we should frame.
yes it’s true his addiction is a disease,
but really it was his decision that really hurt me.
as time goes by i try to forget and forgive,
but not a bone in my body even wants to live.
so instead i just ignore you and the pain,
hoping someday i don’t hurt when i hear your name.

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