My demons rattle my house when the lights go off, they attack my brain until I’m left an empty shell. What my family wants me to be is what I’m trying to be, but inside I’m just dying to be free. Free from this sadness, free from the shadows, free from my thoughts that take over my actions. The thoughts so loud nothing else can be heard. The only thing on my mind is just three words but what a powerful three words they are. They’re the type of words to control my heart, the words that make the tears start. They cause me to drown in my tears, to get eaten alive by my fears. What if someone saw the scars, what if someone saw the traces of tears on my cheeks, what if someone finally looks beyond my acting and sees my cry for help. These fears are irrational for the most part. Because I remain invisible. I know how to hide the scars, to cover the tears, to fake a smile enough for it to seem real. I got the timing down, now it’s just time to climb out of this nightmare I’m living in. I want to get out and every time I think I’ve gotten out my demons come back screaming at me “NO YOU DON’T” So here I remain trapped in a nightmare unable to scream, unable to move paralyzed from the fear the demons have instilled in me. I have no hope for a brighter tomorrow because I haven’t seen the sun in so long, because my mind just lives in the shadows, held back by the monsters killing me slowly. But dying is still dying even if it’s slow. I just don’t know if I can take it anymore. I fight the demons on my own. I can’t afford the meds and the silence I get when I pray is deafening. I fall asleep in a puddle of my tears. Hoping to wake up and have this burden off my chest. Hoping to breathe normally again. Yet I wake up scared by the demons in my head, out of breathe unable to completely fill my lungs and I realize it’s still there. The paralysis that creates a barrier between my lungs and oxygen has not been lifted because God hasn’t answered my prayers. I can barely breathe and I’m stranded in my mind. But sadly there is no escape from the dangers of your own mind. The anxiousness will never leave, the quickened heart beats will always scare me. The ability to completely fill my lungs at all times is something I lack. I’m trying to free myself from my demons grasp but the harder I push out the farther I get pulled back. But if I get pulled back any farther I’m afraid I might snap, afraid my anxiety might take over me. Pinch me, I hope it’s only a nightmare.

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