Noah


noah

I've known all three of you.
sunshine. supernova. you.
I've loved all three of you.

I still can't smoke. but cigarette stubs
draw out the maps you used to
trace on my left thigh.

and I like that.

you saw me dancing in the kitchen, that day.
and caressed my feet
until they glistened crimson
‎ under our white bedroom lights.

I don't sleep in that bed, anymore.
but I don't dance anymore, either.

I made the lines of my wrists
look like our silences-
‎too short, too sudden, too many.

you'll never lose your way within me, again.
I promise.

did you know I love black tulips?
do you know why?
you never did ask me why
I gifted you that mirror, Noah.

my cupboard is filled with the skeletons
of every single word
you've ever said to me.
I dress them up in poetry
every two days and
crawl between the ribcage and
the spine of your favorite ones-
‎ fuck, and my last name.
in that order.
its easier to fall asleep next to
molten familiarity when
it looks this pretty.

the earliest memory I have is of my grandparents swinging me along
by the tips of my fingers,
laughing as I laugh,
‎nestling me in their arms, if I fall.
the last memory I will ever
have is of you
swinging me along by the
roots of my teal hair,
‎laughing as I cry,
‎walking away if I don't.

I know you loved me, Noah.
I know you loved me
every single time you
carved that word on my chest,
right beside my heart,
like tally marks,
to count the number of times
you've owned me
‎like you own your house
‎and my body.
I loved you too.
I'm sorry for never saying it
‎the way you liked me to.
‎I'm sorry.

I could never hold my breath
for too long under water.
‎I know you liked timing me,
a ‎nd I know I always came up
too fast, too soon, too breathless
to kiss you back.
my lips are always chapped
and you tasted like metal.
I never did time you.
Iwanted you to taste like blue.

you wore your smirk
like a crown and my smile
like a medal,
‎ but now that your skin
‎ looks like sunburnt sand
‎ and bronze grass and
‎feels like the prickle of sunlight in July,
‎and I'm still as fresh as day
‎and as alive as your cacti,
would you like to try my skin on for size?

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