Part Time Lover
I lay awake at night on nights where sleep escapes me; wondering what if things were different and we were something maybe.
We went to school together, shared classes and occasional glares, not realizing that one day the thought of us might show some flare.
Different social class made me inferior to your friends, yet somehow you picked me from a crowd, wrote that message, and hit send.
What started as friendly conversation suddenly became something more, never once having thought of us in that way before. And as words were exchanged and feelings started raging, my teenage mind took no second thought to the two of us engaging.
You were my first, the one who took my virginity. Bodies pulsing, sweat was dripping, my heart pounding to infinity.
Our time was cut short, you said you’d call me but that call never came. My delusional heart soon broken at realizing that to you this was a game.
What I thought was special was nothing more than a fulfilled need, and soon I saw with another girl you’d soon be doing the deed.
Was I not good enough? Did you play me and not look back? I felt exposed, dirty, and roughed and like I had a heart attack.
Messages were one sided, questions were left unanswered. Was I ever real to you or was I misguided, my vulnerable mind just rendered.
Soon you cut all ties and it turned out I was nothing more than a pawn. Tears filled my eyes and reality set in, that’s it you’re gone.
Years went by, your relationship ended, and to my town I said goodbye and in college you felt you should mend this.
A simple message saying nothing but hi, made my heart flutter but made me cry. Suddenly I’m good enough again? What changed, and why? I waited for you like a fool and concluded you were a tool. Yet my heart was forgiving and ready to still see, if you and me were ever meant to be.
My college years were confusing enough as it was. Schoolwork, friends, and other boy drama left my mind a lost cause. You said you were coming to town and wanted to see my beautiful face, yet before I said yes, my guard was up, would I be left again disgraced? Soon you showed up, my heart was beating out of my chest. Three years had passed, I might throw up, to him did I still look my best?
We went for a stroll down to the Hocking River, your hand firmly grasping mine, and soon came on a burning fever, and you were making me shine. But once again, our time was interrupted and then our reunion was over. I was angry, gutted, and selfishly wanted all of my lover.
Time passed again, no calls or texts, but this time everything made sense. It hurt but I realized you’d be my life cleanse. You’d be my escape from reality, even if I never got a first date. I thought hard on this actuality and decided I’d never be your number one mate. Friends knew not of us, and if word spread was denied, because our love was a secret lust and you didn’t want others to pry. I sometimes dream, what if I had a chance to be your girl? Would we be a team or would the thought make you hurl? Not wanting heartache, I set out for my Romeo, and soon I finally caught a break and gave up this crazy limbo. I went to get married, and decided to tell you the news. You took it well, never scurried, but said you had some blues. Yet despite our talk, I took a walk, and said my wedding vows to someone new.
Your name stopped appearing on my phone, soon I started to miss you, but quickly realized I’d never be alone and the memories of us became mute.
After all this time, despite being with others, somehow we still commit unactualized crimes and talk as part time lovers. I want to say I love you, even though it’s only with half of my heart, but I know I’ll only be matched to the tune of the second best woman from the start.
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This poem is about someone in my life who comes and goes but never quite gave us a chance. I channeled my thoughts and frustrations into this piece.