Pick a Side

She said it didn't matter how many times I opened my mouth
only to inhale the toxins that I've been designed to routine.
She said it didn't matter because my eyes spoke mountains
of memories from when these things didn't exist
and as long as they still stand, so do I.
The only problem is that I'm still incapable of distinguishing
which side I belong on and whether they can really merge together
or if I'm just stuck going back and forth for the rest of my life.
I grew thorns from my tongue when they spoke the words
that I hadn't yet known would decide the choices I would make when
I'm 13, when I'm 14, when I'm 15, when I'm 16,
not when I'm 17.
It's no longer a question, but rather a technique to dress myself
in the way that suits one side
and see how that feeling differs from the other.
Is there really a middle though because
for so long I've heard that the middle doesn't exist
and now it seems to be a trend if you make it on the inside
rather than just one side.
Is being in the middle the same as being on both sides though,
and how can we learn to differentiate the two before we know
if it even exist, and what it means, and how that makes you feel?
I'm somewhere in the middle but I don't know what that means,
and it makes me feel stuck and it makes me feel unsure.
I'm somewhere in the middle but I don't know
where that somewhere is and
I don't know why they stuck me there
or how I'm supposed to go about my day as if I have a side
like everyone else when I know that I don't.

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