Pleasurable Torment

You haunt me
You haunt me with your memories
You haunt me like a spirit within me
A being that writhes, yearns, clamors, bangs and stabs my soul repeatedly
Without relent, without hesitation, without remorse
I live as a mere hollow, a fragment of what I was
An emptiness that demands fulfillment
From where I will find the answer to its quench I yet not know

I look tirelessly, desperately, achingly
But nothing holds the allure and the promise that these demons have over me
Demons of loss and failure laugh at my fruitless toils
For these demons offer what makes life more bearable
They provide the damaging comfort that hauls me back and back again
The comfort of the past, of the known, of the cherished
And yet they bind my legs with chains of familiarity
Dragging me back again and again to the hells of my own past

The past, a moment of the lost and the gained
Loss of what I know now and gain of the wisdom I not knew
How moments are gathered with such painstaking grasp of what is meant to be lost
Moments that are naive and embellished with frivolity
Expelling hard actualities

You drove me mad
A madness I long to take hold of me again
The burn of resentment tantamounting to passion
Awakening of senses that unfurled a slumbering wanton
Shameless in demand of ecstasies it not knew

Burned into my heart you are
A wound, a scar that has dried and crusted for ever more
A crater in my heart that will only vanquish in the embers of my oblivion

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