PT I


My body’s covered with marks: some blatant, some unclear, a few have depth and remind me of things I feared. most have stories of which I’m sure you may like to hear.
I remember I was walking down this long dark road, slitting my wrist wondering why I felt so alone. it was raining and I was late, to something I used to call home. looked passed the blood at my cracked iPhone, it had hit midnight, arriving later is what my mother did not condone. at some point, I realized she stopped caring, removed my headphones which were constantly blaring. prior to falling asleep, I’d curl my legs to my chest, taking up the least amount of space in shame because I felt I never seemed to know my place.
let’s skip a couple of months to where I had to live with another. the night sky knew the best that I severely missed my mother. I’d hear her faint voice calling out to me, it must have been demons playing tricks on me. they started to claim things that seemed obscene. how I’d feel less alone if I did what they asked of me. laying on the bathroom floor surrounded with dirty garments and rags, I was vulnerable and desperate, unfortunately sad. took the razors and did exactly what they said we shouldn’t in psychology class. I screamed for her, over again. I wanted everything to be done, I felt I went completely insane. I’d hit my head against the wall. kept cutting, yelling and kicking ‘til I was tired enough to fall. sleep is what I was convincing myself I had plenty of but every time I woke I felt more tired and dull.
let me tell you about how I began my smoking habit. I got myself into more than I could bear to manage. it occurred to me one day that I was completely famished. I realized looking in the mirror that I was deteriorating day by day. I’d try to eat but nothing seemed to leave my plate. battered for reasons unjust and unclear. I’d run away by smoking outside in fear. same reason I kept telling them everything they wanted to hear. cutting myself only got me into more trouble. showing up with bruises I had to excuse from others. I was skinny, I was scared, all the hope had disappeared. I began to think I deserved it and that wasn’t fair. “alone, clarity, run” carved into my skin because they were the moon, stars, and sun. now I’m torn inside because when I look at myself I notice I have completely different eyes.

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