Sick


Oh the peril of being lonely
But not lonely of people
Lonely of myself
I’ve searched far and long
Within the hollows of my heart
And came up empty handed
Now the music fills my emotions
But the song is ending
And in those solemn twenty to thirty seconds
My heart shatters more
When I hear my feet pat against the ground
It echoes through my once thriving mind
And travels down to pick away at what’s left of my soul  
“How are you”
Not too well
You see my sickness from my head has gotten so bad
That now I need to throw up when I’m sad
My sickness has gotten so bad
That my thoughts make my body shiver
I am so cold
So cold that I can’t hide my hurt anymore
But I am afraid of answering questions
I am afraid of that question
Because even though the answer is no
The question romanticizes the ideation
Ideation that I have fought so far away from
The denial of this is demeaning
And I know she doesn’t mean it
It was hard for me too
But it must be awful for a mother to realize her child’s pain is consistent
Persistent
And insistent
I wish I could change that
I imagine she must feel so useless
But when my head is spinning
Anger is my only response
How do you beg your mother to understand
When you know it’s hurting her to
How do you talk about your illness
Without breaking down in tears
How can I walk alone
Without fear of hearing my own footsteps
Or the wind through the trees
Or the buzz of a hummingbird
Because everything I loved so dearly then
Takes me back to a happiness I can never have again
And I can’t breathe now
And I can’t think when I can’t breathe
And I can’t breathe when I can’t think
And now anxiety comes along and takes its turn
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Breathe in 2 3 4 breathe out 2 3 4
We all do these things
I know we do
Because that’s all anyone tells me to do
When my anxiety pays a visit
Please stop making my pain into a trend
Because memes don’t hold you when you’re gripping your knees in the shower
And comments don’t pick you up when you don’t make it to your bed
And now I’m alone again
Because I wanted to be
Because I am afraid of questions
Please don’t ask questions
Just hold me
And tell me everything will be okay
And don’t feel so useless
Because I need you

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This Poems Story

This is a poem from the break down I had that made me decide to seek out therapy. I love to read it and realize how much I've learned about myself and my condition. This is raw and from my heart and I hope it can touch someone else at the point I was at and help them to feel not so alone.