Silent Scream


“We were only freshman.”
This is no Verve Pipe remix.
It’s the story of us and the end that came too soon.
That teenage summer, I stared at you across the plane.
Heading into the rhythm of shined boots hitting the pavement.
Your eyes sparkled and your laugh captured my heart.
“Fraternization” took on an entirely new meaning.
We snuck our fingers into one another’s under that camouflage.
Snuck kisses behind those vans, glancing over our shoulders for anyone our senior.
Miles of distance between our hearts, Greyhound buses and SAR-EX’s brought us back together.
Stepping in diced tomatoes never felt so good.
Marilyn Manson never sounded more normal.
Words, written or spoken between us, never sounded more true.
The miles became longer over time. Longer and longer until the distance was faint.
Sickness took over your body and sadness filled your soul.
Dreams all became shattered pieces of glass, struggling to be put back together.
The glue never held.
The pain got worse, the pills became stronger.
Theft should have broken our bond. But it didn’t. I was weak.
You had me at hello.
Regretfully and unknowingly, I fed this addiction for mere attention.
You used me. And I liked it.
I mattered.
Who says money doesn’t buy happiness?
Our once found again happiness was short-lived.
Surgery and a five hour drive, my heart palpitated at the thought of losing you, again.
Your mom riding shotgun reminded me of the “good old days.”
Memories can’t be recreated.
Once a moment passes, even love, that moment is gone.
Tell my heart that.
Through engagements, children, and marriage, I lingered.
I can hear the sound of your pain coming from the thin wall.
Withdrawal seems almost demonic.
I was naïve and believed in your “sickness”.
To only learn years later, it was merely an excuse.
They only wanted to ease your pain. Enabling was never their intention.
Our intention.
We killed you.
The contact stopped. My heart stopped. Or at least, it should have.
Yours did.
In the early hours of Tuesday, November 14th, 2017.
Thirty-five years of sadness gone down the drain.
Your mind, heart, and body have been released.
Your soul still haunts me. You were my forever. Or so I thought.
I’m the rescuer. Why didn’t you let me save you from yourself?
Three massive heart attacks. Mother and son.
Two years. Two deaths.
One lonely father.
Sits alone in his trailer, crying tears that no one can hear.
I hear you, dad.
How does he go on?
How will he make his days matter?
Two days until I can brush my hand across your face.
Two days until I can slip my fingers back into yours.
Two days until I wrap my arms around your father.
Two days until your body turns to dust.
Dust to dust.
Ashes to ashes.
We all fall down. I fall to the floor, barely breathing.
I failed.

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