Some Memories Never Leave You

I wonder if you cried that night
when the pain was too unbearable
that i tried to cease it altogether
tears pouring from eyes as my family is in the other room watching tv
oblivious to the missing pills and blood on the scissors
I wonder if you cried that morning
when I was rushed to the ER by the mother who was barely holding it in
needles stabbing my arm and questions being thrown at me 90 miles an hour
asking me “why’d you do it”
I don’t respond
I wonder if you cried that afternoon
when my mother sighs in relief as the test results come back clean and I sigh in despair calculating the math for how many more pills I would need to swallow next time for it to work
I wonder if you cried that night
when I settled into my new house
where the knifes were locked up and encouraging posters plastered the walls
as I considered smashing my head into the dresser the only thing not “suicide proof”
asking the world what is wrong with me

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