Steel and Skin
Steel and skin, drip by drip I watch it fall. A sweet addiction and dangerous too. It's cold against my skin, the steel. The room is dark with only the moon for light. In the cover of the night, no one is there to witness the personal shame. The dark corners of my mind hiding the little horrors that no one ever gets to see.
This high is temporary. Only giving an illusion that everything is alright. The daylight will come and a new face will be painted on for the world to see. All the shame packed away packaged neatly until the next time. The pressures of the world forcing me to be another cog in the machine.
Each step feeling like a ton of bricks strapped to my back. A smile here and a nod there giving everyone else comfort but myself. Emotions make everyone uncomfortable. Bottle it up and do what you're told. Just be another smiling face pretending that the world is full of sunshine and rainbows.
The reality of the situation is much harsher than that. Emotions run a person's heart. Should I punish myself in the hopes of pleasing others? Is it so bad that I want to feel? The steel is the only thing that I feel anymore. Sad isn't it, that you're forced to be what the world wants you to be.
My dream is to put the steel down and be who I'd love to be. It's more like a fantasy. It shouldn't be this hard. Heartbreak and loss should be allowed to be express without fear of being judged. It's part of human nature, isn't it? If we weren't meant to feel then why were we given hearts?
I'm so numb looking at the picture perfect stories of happiness and sucess. It has to be all lies. There is no way anyone can go through life and not experience emotion. A true psychopath, on the other hand, is another story. Even in my darkest moments holding that steel in the moonlight, I have hope.
I feel broken. Feeling broken in itself is enough to send the average person into a fear-induced panic. What is life anyway? Life, it's a definition that seemingly escapes the general population. It changes from one person to the next. Walking around in circles cannot be the answer. There has to be more to it than that. The good, the bad, and the absolutely ugly things I've been through will help me to build upon the person I want to be. Who I choose to be is up to me, not anyone else.
What is happiness? It's another concept without a definition. It is a relative in relation to life. It is an achievable thing, but it is also a choice. There are times that I feel overwhelmed by all the things I have going on in my life. That's when I turned to the steel, for the comfort.
I need to stop. Stop and take a step back from things and assess the situation. Should I risk my own happiness for that of others? My life matters or at least I'd like to think so. There has to be more to this thing called my life than the steel. I shouldn't have to turn to steel to feel something.
I hope that one day I will have a reason to put the steel down. I want the light at the end of the tunnel. I know the reality of it all. It won't be easy. The first step is knowing that I am entitled to feel. For now, I sit here in the dark watching it fall drip by drip like the emotions I hold inside. It is okay to not be okay.