Take Your Time
The tapping on the window
Or is it just in my head
Insomnia playing devils advocate
Growing too comfortable with the darkness
Count sheep and drift away
I'm counting reasons I should even live
Consumed by what seems a parallel universe
This isn't me, or is it?
Can't think, can't dream, can't talk without hearing it
The voices beckoning in my mind
The past always finds a doorway
Knocking frantically to get in
I try to slam the door and yell "GO AWAY"
But it all comes out a meaningless whisper "please stay"
The death of a life that hasn't even begun
Makes me realize that everyone I know and love will someday die.
Sometimes I cut just to see that velvet red
It's not my color but damn it feels good.
Scars hidden behind a smile and fruitful laugh
If only you could hear my cries for help
The shadows constantly lurk behind me
Waiting to consume my lifeless corpse.
Needing a "next meal"
Fragile enough to take stride for stride behind.
I'm lost, within the confines of my own bed
I'm lost, within the confines of my own head
I'm lost, within the confines of my own heart
I'm simply lost.
Every night my dreams pull me closer and closer
I can almost reach out and touch you
It's gotta be a sign
Showing me I deserve you
Hold you in my arms and laugh
Pick you up and smile with such genuine care
Hearing your giggles
"Dada" echoing through my skull
"Beep, beep, beep"
Back to focus, you're in my arms once more
Deceased, lifeless, weak, motionless, no sounds
No crying, except for my own
This isn't real.
It's just a nightmare
Wake up, time to go to work, wake up.
Snap out of it, why would you dream like this
But I still feel her
My heart collapsing through my chest
I fall to the floor
Balling every last tear
Please wake up.
Please let this be a nightmare
3 years of depression, sadness, remorse, anger, pity.
3 years I've been digging my own hole
3 years I've waited to see you
3 years you've grown strong
3 years you've watched me grow weaker
My hole gets deeper
I keep digging but haven't found the reason to stop
One day I know my stop will be ready.
That day when the demons come knocking
And I won't be able to even whisper.
It'll consume me
It'll take what life I have and mock me
It'll eat me until this sunken body is nothing but a carcass
It'll devour me whole until my body is a temple for madness.
I won't fight it
I won't cry, I won't tell anyone
I'll pay my dues, I'll pass my love
That day will come where I'll stop digging
And someone else will be covering that hole
Take witness now
I may have never given true life a meaning
But I'll be reunited
With the only thing that had meaning for life.
It's only a nightmare.
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Ive been battling depression for as long as I can remember, 3 years ago I lost my child at 7 months along, and it became the iceberg that is slowly sinking the titanic.