Ten thousand lives

i threw it all away.
everything that i knew.
i threw myself away.
to start all over.
erased every bit that seemingly posed itself a threat;
cut off every limb that seemingly posed itself useless.
i thought that was the only way.
to start from scratch.
on a blank slate.
i wanted to forget myself.
i wanted to forget it all.
all of it.
like the ten thousand lives i’ve lived through this short lifespan of mine.
it was like an epic i had no intention to be a part of.
it was everything.
then it was nothing.
it was all of me.
then it was none of me.
i loved it.
then i hated it.
i wanted nothing to do with it.
it was all so short-lived.
ephemeral in essence.
so fleeting it wouldn’t measure.
i couldn’t understand it because it left my mind
just as quickly as it arrived.

in the end it was still here.
the erasing, the cutting out of, the regretting, the remorsing, the misunderstanding of it all…
it was all… still here.

i was still left.
with all of it; all ten thousand lives of me.

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