The Ache


Not sure how to describe the feeling. Whether I should say
that it's like how necklace chains get knotted together or as
if I was to brush my hair up Into itself creating dreads impossible
to get out unless I just cut the problem out. My stomach grows
tight as my organs shrink and push all the blood out of my
stomach and into my heart, my chest grows heavier. I want
my heart to stop but the blood keeps pooling. It's like our last
kiss, it didn't have its name at the time but it happened. It's hard
to explain you don't expect it to be the last anything. It never
really is. I've relived out last kiss too many times, why we had
our last kiss yesterday, during a nap. I never think it's our last
kiss because I have hope tucked away under my rib cage, behind
my heart that one day you'll show up and kiss me until I fall back
into my bad habit of loving you instead of myself. in the text
messages we sent, you typed and sent that you loved me 56 times,
you said it over Skype, in person and on the phone many more
times. I've only scrolled through our messages once. Your messages
got colder as things went along, the text that says "serious talk"
screams at me as I pass it. You started calling me "my love" because
that's what I have always called you. But you also let me know that
you only said "I love you" because I said it. I was talking to a
mirror but I loved the image on the other side more than I could ever
love myself. Your words are crawling up my throat, they taste like
last nights dinner. They have been staying in my veins, they are
fighting to get out so why don't I just slit my wrists and help them
escape before they come back out my mouth. I could just cry
them out, you told me no one looked beautiful when crying,
you told me I looked beautiful while crying.

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