All I wanted was a family of my own,
your manly hands to heal my bones.
And all I wanted was a place to go,
a home of my own to not feel so alone.
I remember being mesmerized by the light,
that I swore you would always provide.
But I also remember the very moment,
I first attacked you in the night.
All was quiet.
You were lost in a dream.
But I became what you now call crazy,
trying to kill you in your sleep.
I wasn't aware, trapped in another nightmare.
But you didn't care.
All I wanted to do was protect myself, protect you.
So until then, you never knew the truth.
We stayed awake for hours,
as it began to burn into you.
And your anger went up like flames.
Its like every day after that, they only grew brighter
each time I spoke your name.
My story, I never wanted to cover.
But you were my lover, and I wished to remain undiscovered.
You said you would've loved me all the same,
but I saw how the truth brought you such pain.
You loved me but you lost it all together.
And no counseling that we sought would make it better.
I guess you felt guilty, so you stuck awhile longer with me.
But in anger, you began to unleash.
And I figured it was all my fault,
So I forgave and dismissed assaults and insults.
But it became a habit, I became your go to.
Bruise after bruise turned into
drug store runs to buy skin glue.
I began to no longer recognize you.
You'd become just the designated driver to the emergency room.
More stitches, more staples - story of my life.
And sometimes I wish I had never survived.
Because from the second you've left.
I've been filled with such a regret.
That if I had told you from the beginning,
would our relationship still be indestructibly spinning?
But it wasn't love.
No, it couldn't have been love.
Because if it was,
I would've found the strength and the trust,
to explain everything before it all turned to dust.
I am so sorry.
For you, for me.
And the fallout of our everything.