The Pain In Purple, Blue, Red, and Black


Purple.Blue.Red.Black.
The most painful colors I ever knew all my life
the colors I’ve been wearing in secret
in shame..in fear..in sadness..in terror.. and
Always in pain.

PURPLE
Purple…
I once loved how beautiful the purple Lantana flower was
So little…small. And close to each other...safe, pure. …innocent….
Just like the first time I learned how painful purple was…
I was 5 when my mother forcefully covered
My skin in purple…..
One petal, two petals, three petals….
15 pinches, 13 unbearable arm smacks, 20 poundings on my bare body…..
….all the petals gone…
…just like my love for the beauty in their purple….
replaced… with
hot tears, painful memories, and forever present reminders…
…the pain in purple…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCtS9Lr6D_Y (1:40-5:38)
BLUE
Blue….
I remember the first time my daddy took me to the carnival as a kid
I had the time of my life especially
on the merry-go-round….. round and round…everything swirling into a bright dream…..
I loved and talked about it so much daddy got a music box merry-go-round for me…..
….maybe that’s why he was so wrought with me when I was 9……
….maybe he thought I wanted a faster merry-go-round ride…..
….maybe he didn’t like his and mommy’s purple and wanted a new color…..
Crank…crank…. I always liked that music box, blue and purple and little horses….
.… playing Tchaikovsky - Swan Lake Suite - III. Pas de deux…
..it always played sad music but it was still lovely….Crank…crank….
….he was drunk that day he chose to throw me into the color blue…..
…crank… crank…..dummm, deeen, duuumm, crank, clank, clunk, doom…. Round and round it went….
…just like me that day…Crack… wrist hurting… world swirling into a dark nauseating painful nightmare…….
…Crack… the room turning into a mess or motions… then I’m released into a rushing of pain and fast motions…
…crack…..
….crashing of shelves, falling of books, pulling at the arms….swirling again…..rushing….
…slamming down into floor, falling of stands, stinging of hard smacks….
…CRASH!....
….shattering of lovely music box……
……glass shattering screams of pain and sorrow……
....hot stinging tears come at the sight of the purple on me…..
…moments later replaced with the color blue….
..leading to louder screams as memories turned to dark nightmare swirls….
…duummm……dee……dlummmmmm……………………..
.. song ending for ever while my blue burning for eternity…

RED
Red….
A friend gave me a red balloon once …
…after they saw I had a blue cast on my arm at school 3 days
after I realized how painful blue was…
I was so happy and loved their sympathy
so mush I hugged the balloon
once so tight it popped in my arms…
…I loved that balloon..
..it was like so comforting …
my love for that balloon and the color red
was tainted when I was 13..
…..when my mother bought a red dress for a dinner party
that was that night
it being the first time she ever wore the red dress
me to zip her up….
…zyrrriiippppppppeerr….erruur…errrruuu..erruur..eruurr….
metal stuck,.… question asked…
explanations given…then theories are said
dramatically terrifying silence falls fast
resulting to a turning women wearing a
dark stink eye glare
anger taking place of her face
loud angered shouting smothers the silence
fear creeping, pushing me back
steps are taken slowly and carefully
apologies being said in the same way and tone
excuses and fake theories are made to appease
but sadly resulting to
loud stomping at fast rates
distance gone
shouting increasing
tone becoming hysterically more angered
a step back is took
resulting to hands grabbing at my hair
unbearable screaming attacks my ear
released to only be
slapped to the floor
then once more
crawls to salvation are attempted
but leading to harder slaps,
kicks to the stomach,
attempt of breath to only cough and choke out blood
attempt to rest leading to
leg grabbing and dragging,
bedroom door slammed open me tossed in…
…cries escape
quick snacks wrap around trout to silence me
last thing is red before fading into black
wake full of fear to only be
locked in ..
….and alone..
…party happening under me…..
…while hell surrounds me
and my neck….
Ya… that was the day I longed
Longed for my old red friend
I longed for refuge
for something……
…comforting…..
that was the day I missed my comforting balloon
and its giver
the day I turned that longing
into sadness… into tears
from the loss of loving red
love being replaced with pain
from the red in my mouth
the red around my neck
all love faded that day
from the pain in the color red…..

BLACK
Black….
It was so beautiful ….I would look up into the night to see beauty ,…
white bits freckling its black beauty….
That freckled face was my only escape….
….my only friend that never left………
Together we have been
The night I found out how painful purple was…
Days spent in dread..
Misery..pain..fear and tears……
Nights spent in confiding to space
Comforting, friendly, empathizing ..
…space…..
but…. Black was also a color that surrounded me……..
…that darken my emotions and covered everything in my life except me……
…until I was 14 when it chose to engulf me and drown me from the inside….
…….that day was the day my daddy set it loose…
….the day it attacked me like a rabid dog………
showing no mercy
taking everything …….
…..even the freckled face I held deer in my life……
That was the day daddy’s job fired him…
...that was the day he and mommy fought
….the day he slapped mommy ever….
…..the day he caught me looking around the hallway corner….
…..that was the day he went on a hunt and let loose the black…..
……
doors being closed and locked
corners in the back of the room become a temporary safe haven
pounding across the room…
….increasing….
…Pound…..poundd…pow pow pow nnnddd pow pownndd….
my wooden knight falling to the ground
defeated by the angered beasts.………
….I looking up into the freckled face staring at me from a seal
looking for help, for it to become alive..
to come and fight …
to be my loyal warrior, my guard
a fighter who would be my savior ……
….who would take them …..all of them…….
…… never let their screams be heard……
…but my savior only a silent bystander..
loud stomps are taken
my plea to the freckled face
replaced with a hard tug
and a choked cry
face is stricken
time after time
falling to the floor
mercy doesn’t exist anymore
blows to the face are taken
blow after blow
….eye throbbing…..
…arms welting up…
bones cracking
ribs breaking
…head pounding…..
darkness suffocating me
fading to darkness……
…waking to wearing black…..
eye as black as the night…….
tears weld up
bringing more pain
the want of comfort from the freckled face
replaced with betrayal
replaced with loath
replaced with disappointment
once loyalty now a traitor that turned a blind eye…
…black …
…one part was a friend other a attacker…..
…now the attacker took my friend …
…replaced them with a stranger..
..forever gone and never to return…..
…that was the night I wore black..
..the night me and the freckled face drifted apart….
that was the night I stopped looking at the night sky..
…fearing the memories…
..of the time I wore black….

To some those are beautiful colors
Colors with beautiful memories attached to them
In some eyes it a rainbow of medium value
A rainbow of happiness
But in my eyes their colors of pain
Colors of sadness
A rainbow of dark pain….
……the colors I wear in pain and shame…
…the pain in purple blue red and black……

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