the way i feel


There's these times I hate being a woman
I hate being a woman not because
I have smaller pockets in my jeans
Or the way other women look at me
Because I don't always wear makeup
I hate being a woman some days because
I have to learn to protect myself
I have to sleep with a baseball bat by my bed or some type of weapon
The hatred in me is there because I'm scared
I'm scared one night that I will not wake up
That I'll be that girl on the news found beaten unclothed and unknown
There's a part of me who hates that's who I am that I am so scared
I wake up some nights because I'm so frightened
I wake up screaming having my mother and father running to see if I am still alive
Because I am not okay
And it's okay to not be okay
But what's not okay is
I am not the same as I once was
He changed me
There was a part of me who died the day he took his hand and plucked out
That small part of childhood
Because I was eleven and wanted to die
As his hands plucked that part of me
That part of me that wanted to stay alive
I now scream
Not knowing if it's my last
Not knowing if ill be dying
Or if I will be praying for one last day to keep me here
So I'm alive but there's a part of me who feels alone
Like there are these walls surrounding me
Keeping trapped
But these walls aren't walls at all
These Walls
Are my mind
And my mind is keeping me down
It's telling me your worthless
Just kill yourself now
Goddammit kill yourself now
You’re not worth it
I have to think that every night because when I was eleven
I was changed
I was made into a different me
A different me I never thought I could be me I never wanted to be
So now at night, I get down on my knees and I just ask
God make me wake up I don't want to do it anymore
This can't be real
This isn't me
But then I realized
One day it is
And it changed me

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