this is life

As I sit in my room staring at my beta in his fish bowl; I was just as lonely as he was. A fish. How could I compare myself to this tiny creature of mine? Yesterday I was fine, but today the emotions hit me again. I forgot to take my medicine for a week. How could I forget to take a medicine that controlled my life? If I don’t take it I know the consequences so why would I repeatedly quit taking it? I don’t want medicine to control me. I want to be able to control myself. But before this medicine was brought into my life, how was I functioning? I welcome you to bipolar disorder. It’s a dark and lonely journey. In the ninth grade, I realized there was something different about me than others. The way I could change my personality. Being in my room I felt depressed and that I would never be good enough to fit in like others seemed so easily to do. My emotions, like a roller coaster, I could barely control. You see, growing up I was different, way different than my peers. One day happy, the next sad. I didn’t know how to feel. I was so confused with myself I could barely take it. My mind screamed help. Why? Why do I feel like this? I can’t be myself because my mood changes every day. I don’t understand. Temper tantrums thrown all of my life. My mother is helpless. I treated her and talked to her so badly. Why? Because some days I would feel so angry and I couldn’t control it. What is going on? My parents not knowing why I became this person. Why couldn’t I feel normal every day? What did I do to deserve such a cruel disease that takes over my mind? I couldn’t explain my feelings to anyone because my feelings were confusing myself! Help. Make them go away. But they wouldn’t, these emotional thoughts kept going and going until one day I broke free. I couldn’t handle myself anymore, I didn’t know who I was. I was sent to a mental facility but why was I sent there? I didn’t do anything, my body was confused and my mind was broken. How do you even live? I had forgotten how to live and how to even express my feelings. What was happening to me? I was released from the hospital and the doctor said I had an illness so she prescribed me medicine. I took this medicine but it didn’t help. I felt the same, someone help. A year later I was sent to another hospital but why what did I do wrong this time? I couldn’t control it, someone please fix me. I was helpless. I was sent home after three days. I feel the same will this ever go away? My mother took me to a doctor someone had recommended. We told her all of my stories and all about my life. She told me I had bipolar disorder. She prescribed me medicine to see how It would work. I was so surprised is this even real? Is what she is telling me actually real? I went home and took the medicine for a couple of weeks. This medicine was changing everything. I could feel it. I felt happy not just part of the day but the whole day. I was so amazed, is this real? Am I actually stable for once in my life. Wow I cannot believe what is happening. I’m doing good in school and I’m acting right at home. Is this doctor a genius? She must have been because she knew exactly what to do. She deserves more credit. I mean we went to plenty of places and none of these doctors knew what to do. But after seeing Dr. ray my life has changed. It is a miracle I am here today a better person because of a medicine? A medicine? My brain has a chemical imbalance and this medicine fixed me. Who invented this medicine? What would my life be without this medicine? I am thankful for it. I never thought I would be thankful for a medicine and having to take it every day but I am. I am different. I am different from everyone. I feel it in me. It’s so powerful. It makes all the bad things in life go away. I know what its like to live. I know what its like to stay in a stable mood. I’m ready to start over and begin my journey in this world. Here I go.

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