This is Why They Do It

Every word decides to sting
But I’m not going to let them know that
They’d choose to call me weak
And that would make it worse

Every judgment makes an impression
A scar, a defacement, a disfigurement
That just amps up the teasing
The taunting
The joking
The insulting
The picking you apart until you stand there like a bird
Plucked of all its beautiful feathers
Until it becomes nothing

Making jokes about everything about you
Your hair
Your height
Your clothes

You walk home hoping to find the comfort of a mother
The protection of a father
But instead, you find the same old thing you always do
A woman who birthed you
You’d call her mother
But even that title’s too good for her
She’s sitting on the couch hungover as ever
Half asleep as she slurs “Make Dinner”
You think to yourself
“Why don’t I let you starve?”

But then you remember your little sibling
Their innocence
The only joy in your life
Coming home to find no dinner on the table
And crying themselves to bed

So you make dinner
Feed the family that has never taken care of you in any way
Tuck your sibling onto the couch with that witch of a woman
And go to where you sleep

You think about the day
What you wanted to happen
What you needed to happen
And what did happen
And you realize that they are nothing alike

So you start thinking about what could happen tomorrow
What you want to happen tomorrow
What you need
And you think they will probably be nothing of the same either

So you think well what if there isn’t a tomorrow
And the feeling sinks in
But you know it’s the only way you’ll ever be happy

So you go to the kitchen
Grab the little paring knife
And start to cut

You thought that it would hurt
But it didn’t
It let you have some kind of relief that you can’t get any other way
So you keep going
You keep cutting until your arm is a bloody work of art
You cut so deep and so wide you know
There is no saving you

“But,” you thought
“There was never hope for me,
I never had a future anyway”
You see the light slipping from your grasp
As you fall into the darkness
“I’ll be alright,” you think

Then it goes completely black
And you feel nothing
And then you’re gone
Without anyone knowing what you went through
That was why you did it

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