To The One Who Broke My Heart

I think we were meant to be, so somewhere along the line we must’ve done it wrong. The first time you broke my heart, I broke my rules for you. Looking back now, I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe because meeting you was like hearing a song for the first time and knowing it would be my favorite. Sitting on my bathroom floor, lost and alone; it hit me... all along your only plan was to break my heart. I should’ve listened in the beginning when I was told not to fall for someone like you. Truth be told, I loved you and you knew that. But, the sad part is you didn’t love me. You loved the person who loved you so much you didn’t have to love them back. It’s so fucking amazing that I let you crush my heart without even blinking an eye. And with every shattered piece I still loved you. You put me in the position where I had to fight everyday. I h to build myself back up from the ash, ruin, and destruction that was seared into me by every other person who fucked me up just as bad. Let me tell you a secret, to this day if I close my eyes and focus on the hush, I can feel the warmth of your breath on my ear, whispering pretty little lies. I love you. Every time you uttered those three words it sent a shiver across my skin and brought my heart back to life. You weren’t the first to break my heart, but you were the last, and the worst. Don’t ever forget that. You came back just as I’d made my way back. I welcomed you with kindness and open arms. I forgave you, I had hope. I trusted you when promised me you would change. That was my mistake, because that promise was just as empty as the rest. I had barely finished walking through my own hell when you asked me to walk yours with you. Without hesitation, I did. I’d fallen in love without even realizing I’d fallen. I knew what it was like to be alone, you taught me that lesson, and I never would’ve wished that on you. You poisoned every piece of me with that crooked smile and with tears I found staining my pillow and the cold light of the clock at 2 A.M. One day you will wake up and realize I was worth the fight. You should’ve tried. It is because of you that a part of heart is completely off limits, somewhere in the past, still curled up in those sheets that smelled like you. Everyone warned me not to fall in love with you, not again. The problem is, they didn’t understand I’d never stopped. What can you expect? You don’t share the most vulnerable and delicate parts of yourself with someone without having a connection. We have a history in vivid color, we’ve made memories that I never can erase. You burned your touch into my skin, and onto my lips. I tried to mend the chaos between us, but all I am to you is temporary. I’m good when you’re lonely, I help your ego. But you don’t care for me. We don’t intentionally and deliberately screw up the people we care about. The hurt you gave me was unbearable and rocked me to my core. I was sure it would kill me, and you should know that part of me will never be bargained again. You broke me, not once, not twice, but with every moment you looked me in the eyes and told me this time it would be different. Yet still after leaving me a broken shell, I care for you. Be my guest and take this personally, I fucking hate you. Don’t you dare say what I had for you wasn’t real. I would go back to every moment knowing this exact outcome and do it all over again. I don’t regret a thing, but this is where it ends. Just because I love it doesn’t mean I will allow you to use me or abuse me ever again. I know better than to let you in. I think the biggest thing you’ve taught me is that you can’t ever be someone’s forever. Because whether we want to see it or not, forever does have an expiration date. All we can hope for is to be someone’s what if or remember when, because in the end we can’t be someone’s forever even if they were ours.

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Written about a long term love who broke me. I was victim to abuse as a child and a very unhealthy life until I decided to change. Sadly he didn’t. I wrote this as a way to cope and process. I share it in hopes it’ll help someone.