Uncertainty


There’s this constant cloud hanging over my head
Maybe it’ll go away if I just take my pain and go to bed
But i cant sleep because I’m reminiscing on the last words you said
Your sentences are embedded in my brain like a needle and thread
How can i sleep with you on my mind?
How can i function when im the farthest from fine?
My past leaves a stain on my brain like a spilled bottle of wine
The way the world treats my heart, it should be a crime
I been mistreated, used, and abused my entire existence
Everyone who offered to help has left, so I don’t even ask for assistance
But I gotta give them a hand for their hateful persistence
I feel like my whole life a pandemic cus i been maintaining my distance
Distance from everyone and everything that has a meaning
The only time I’m at peace is when im greening
Feel like the devil’s in my brain because my thoughts are profoundly demeaning
Been stabbed in the back so many times, my body cant keep up, now i’m profusely bleeding
Bleeding from all the open wounds from those who were supposed to protect me and my integrity
That’s why I speak on this with such density
It’s just me, myself, and I so I’m staring at my reflection helplessly
I give out so much love, yet i receive it abstemiously
Now I’m rolling up my pain and inhaling all my tribulations
I’m trying to rebuild myself from the ground up, but I’m stuck on the foundation
Been imprisoned by my thoughts for years, I’ve run out of patience
I feel like im crumbling from the constant unfeasible, demanding expectations
Who am I to crumble when I’m supposed to be strong?
How am I supposed to be okay when there is nowhere I belong?
I try and express my torment through writing songs
But there is no cure to a feeling this wrong
There is no remedy to this ongoing war inside of my body
Lately it’s been feeling like me vs everybody
I’m battling this sickness but im lacking the proper antibodies
It’s my idols, the ones I aspire to be, that i try to embody
But you can’t embody a body that lies
Nobody is as happy as they seem, and I will believe so until proven otherwise
My feelings and emotions are paralyzed
By those who try and empathize with pain they were taught to patronize
And now im traumatized by this publicized patronization of a topic that should be normalized
But instead i’m scrutinized and dehumanized for my cries
Oh, to live in a world full of adoration would be a dream come true
I will love until my heart turns blue
If you’ve read this far, thank you.

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