I never knew that you could smile just as beautifully on your best days just as you can on the worst.
I never knew that you spent the entire day loving everyone around you, even when you barely had enough love left for yourself.
I never knew that you would take a picture at any given moment, and look amazing but still avoid mirrors in the morning.
Sometimes I pretend to talk about someone else being in a bad situation, when in reality. It's been me the entire time.
I have learned to make people laugh uncontrollably, but I still have to force my own.
What is the use in being able to manipulate people with my words if I am immune to it?
I punched a mirror once.
But the glass did not shatter even though I heard cracks
My reflection fell to pieces even though the mirror was still in one.
I would only ever cry in the rain.
Maybe then they won't ask questions on why my face is wet.
Even if the drops on my skin were more salt than cloud.
Even if my responses were more quick than real.
Just like my un-shattered but broken reflection has always looked whole but I could only ever see half.
Whole... it's amazing that word is even in my vocabulary
I have always known nothing but half a smile, half a laugh, even half the pain.
Someone told me they wanted all of me once.
No matter how " whole " I am they will only ever feel half way satisfied.
I am the beautiful words with the not so clear meaning.
The not so
Half of the Don't's but never the Do's.
This world still has me on a leash
Even though I have no collar.
My anxiety finds ways to walk me to the ledge
even though there are guardrails on them, I still believe that I will fall.
I have saved myself a hundred times over.
But I die a thousand times more.
They say actions speak louder than words.
But words are the only things strong enough to make us hate ourselves.
You can abuse me for hours but just know my depression said you can only have the weekends. The rest of the week is theirs.
There are days I can't wait for the weekends because it means I did not jump off that ledge during the week.
It means I told myself I am worth it even if I knew I meant to say worthless.
It means I am the most beautiful mistake I have ever seen. But I still refuse to look in a mirror to see them just in case my beauty is only skin deep.
I never knew it was possible to love yourself while hating yourself while saving yourself after killing yourself to only tell yourself that you are repulsively beautiful.
I had a dream once. There was this girl who knew who she was, and she was happy.
She was able to stand on the ledge without a guardrail
and as she fell,
she was blessed enough to have two wings instead of just one.
She was able to fly into blue sky that I haven't seen since childhood.
I hear her laugh and see her smile, and it sounds so real.
She looked happy, so much so, that I decided to jump off the ledge that I've begged to be taken off of for so long.
I spread my arms as if they were wings. I close my eyes while I pray once more.
Even though I am falling it still feels like the wind that phases through me is finally breaking the leash that I was too scared to take off.
I am so close to the bottom.
Tell my mother that she no longer has to worry about writing my obituary.