What Goes on Inside My Brain

Growing up mama taught us to act right
Every night I hear her voice in my sleep reminding me of the price of my insanity. absolutely wild so called level heads were actually starting to feel they were losing their heads the Only other way to explain the pain I’m experiencing is to give you my heart but no alas it’s already broken and I can’t have it broken more any more. And yet I know one day you will convince me to fall in love with you and when I do you will ruin me. But that’s okay because in the meantime what we have whatever that is or was or will be it was good it was really good I’m sorry I let you down disappointed you...yet again not for the first and surely not for the last time Maybe one of these days you’ll look back and realize exactly how much pain you caused me and how much of myself I lost to you. Oh but if only if only we could manifest our destinies so that we could be together forever but wait it was all a dream what we had was never real it was always just a game to you wasn’t it ? Well I hope your happy with what you’ve done to me. Because I still love you and I always will. And even though you’ve hurt me pushed me out past the point of breaking pushed me beyond the brinks into a mental wasteland full of fear depression anxiety and suicide. Fear because you took advantage of me like I was nothing and while I tried to fight I was strong but not strong enough. Anxiety because the mere thought of such certain things tastes textures feelings remind me of you and of what we once had that was never real. Just a dream always just a dream and to see into the great beyond would be such a trivial matter and it’s at times like these my mind wanders. It walks around the wasteland...my brain prodding and trumping and stomping all over me destroying any shed of hope I had left And yet I still manage to move on. Because that’s what we do right ? We fall in love we hurt each other and then we leave? That’s the thing to do right ? Well see that’s not going to work for me. I want a real love. That’s it. Alas that’s too much to ask I don’t what to do anymore just let the worlds flow get it out. Love yourself hate yourself kill yourself it’s all a cycle in isn’t it ? A simple one really. Choices. That’s what it all comes down to isn’t it ? You or me love or hate right or wrong black and white. You choose your destiny so why not with me why was I not good enough? Answers! Answers ! These are the thoughts provoking my mind to stay up stay awake stay alert turn off your emotions don’t feel don’t think just do. And then something in me snapped. It was quick not but a second but it changed me. I broke down gave up I quit I ran to the bathroom open the cabinet quick what can I take to ease the pain...Percs . But I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. I picked up the phone do it don’t do it your not ready he’s not ready but I can’t take it anymore I need help ! What’s going on !? What do I do ? Two hours later I’m at his house I called my sister one last time. Finally the pain the would be gone id be free ! I was so ecstatic I wasn’t scared or worried. We sat and talked through the day taking a ingesting pills in our systems. We were almost there. I felt my body my brain my consciousness slipping away I tried to look over but I couldn’t move my vision faded away into nothingness. And when I woke but wait I wasn’t supposed to wake. I was supposed fall into a deep slumber an eternal state of hibernation I was supposed to be free! Yet awoke I was. And when I woke I was there be he wasn’t. He wasn’t there. I looked I screamed i cried. We were supposed to go together it was supposed to be me oh how I hated it. You see my pain runs deeps. It comes from the family that was supposed to love you tell you you weren’t worthy of they’re love. It was the abuse the scars left to remind of why I wasn’t good enough I tried everything to be who you wanted me to be I studied harder I played sports yet this abuse it continued and I was done being beaten starved and treated like nothing because of a decisions you made. Not me. Something I had no control over. Are you happy ? Are you happy ? Is everybody happy ? Because I’m not. I can’t be the only one. Or maybe I am ? And that’s okay too because I don’t want anyone to have to experience this pain. If I have to carry the world on my shoulders so that they don’t have to I will. I will sacrifice my happiness for the sake of others. Why ? Because that’s the right thing to do I guess. But is it ? We only know what we’re taught. What if we were taught that it was acceptable to be rude? Who created rude ? Who determined it’s meaning ? What’s going on here ? My brain is in shambles again. And that’s okay. I’ve learned to accept it for what it is. Just pure simple pain. Nothing more nothing less.

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