What Happened


Place
Push
Slide
No use
I can’t get deep enough
In a spout of anger
Self pity
I snap

Dig
Dig
Dig
I use frantic motions
Hoping to get it right
Nothing

One
Two
Three
Stop
If i puke this up it wont work
One
Two
Three
Stop

BANG
BANG
BANG
I look to the door
I know whos knocking
But she doesn’t know

I leave
Knowing it wasn’t enough
This isn’t going to work

One
Two
Drink
My mouth burns
As the next chemical slides down
So does my throat

I am going to puke
I grab a bucket just in time
For the horrid mixed smell
Vodka
Mouth wash
Cologne
To spill out of my mouth

Laying down I pray to not wake up
Convincing myself I drank enough
Even though I puked

Next thing I knew
I was sitting up
Still in my bed
Still alive
Dizzier than I had been before

I need to find another way
TING
My phone goes off
TING
TING
TING
Blowing up I grab it

Suddenly remembering
I told some people goodbye
My cousin
Why was she already awake
She told me to call someone
I go to turn off my phone
TING
Still her

An hour passes
I can still barely sit up
But im on the phone
Somehow I talk
The voice not registering as my own

I was not in the cop car long
When he came to the door
“I’m sorry
but it looks like you have been sexually assaulted”

Those seconds of silence
Felt like hours
All the while I could feel my world
Cumbling
I hadn’t thought anymore could break
All but 2 minutes ago

I didn’t know
I had no memory
so I clung to the hope
I clung to the idea
That I was so drunk I said yes

Now all of that was gone
As he explained why
Explained why it didn’t appear I had said yes

Next thing I knew
I was being half carried into the ER
Able to move my legs
Though I could not feel them

I was tested
Examined
Poked with needles
Questioned
For the next 8 hours

Memories were coming back
I didn’t feel safe being home
But the thought of not being home was worse
So I lied
I said I knew i wouldn’t hurt myself
And even though
That was all I wanted to do
I didn’t

I never got
All my memories of that night back
I don't know if I want them
I do have enough
Enough to know
I said no
I pushed
I fought with what small strength I had
But you didn’t care

You still claim it wasn’t rape

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Do not read if you can't handle things about suicide/rape