When We Met
You asked to read my thoughts.
And instantly my heart crawled up under my tongue and hid
Like a child under a blanket hiding from the monsters in the night.
I directed you to a public page.
Controlled. Calm. Collected.
The image that I needed you to see.
But you persisted.
And asked me again a few weeks later
Stirring up the fear that had slipped back into its shallow cage
That word vomit…
Composed out of every negative emotion I'd ever felt.
That ugly labyrinth meant to contain the very demons that had me crying on the floor in the dark when you walked in
That cursed black book.
Holding the keys to my past within its ink stained pages.
Had no right infiltrating your mind.
And consuming your soul the way it ate at mine.
But sometime in your eyes made me nod my head anyways
Something about you felt safe
And so you read my mind.
My heart and my hurt
And my human condition in its entirety
Pausing at the hard parts so long
It felt like the whole world had stopped.
Like Father Time reached out his hand and foolish me had grabbed on
Praying to a God I no longer believe in that you would just say something
And as you continue to sit in silence,
The panic began to settle in again…
Because no one ever seems to want someone else's abandoned trash
That whole "one mans trash" bullshit?
Never seems to apply to anyone who doesn’t sit on the bar of expectation and swing their pretty painted toes
Hanging their head with their pretty blonde hair
Mascara artfully streaking their face like a Gustav Klimt painting
Waiting for someone to glance over and recognize their worth,
Take them home and display them proudly for all to see.
All these thoughts whizzed through my head…
You just sat there.
Seemingly unaware of my panic,
The fading light of day peaking through the blinds
Meanwhile my insides tore at each other
Fighting to see which would be the one to grab the strings of my heart and rip it from it's hiding place in my throat.
And then the most remarkable thing happened…
You shifted, slightly
And what I thought was going to be you distancing yourself from the barely breathing pile of organs with a broken soul sitting beside you
Turned into the first time someone told me they loved me and I believed them….
Because I believe you.
A few days later,
You asked me if I had ever wrote anything happy
I laughed and told you I had never had anything happy to write about…
What I didn't add was the silent little voice in the corner of my mind
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The most terrifying moment of my life suddenly was the most welcomed