Why can’t I say the ‘N’ word?


Why Can't I say the 'N' word?

Why can't I say the 'N' word?
Is it because I am not one? Or am I?
What makes me become one? I mean, how do I become one?
Was I born one? Will I grow into one? Do I have to build a reputation to become one? Is there a initiation process to become one? Do I have to prove myself to others that I can be one? Is there a application? Is there a interview? Who's in charge? Who's the leader? Who makes the rules? Who makes the final decision? I wonder if I need referrals. At times I feel I am one but other days I wake up feeling the total opposite.

So, why can't I say the 'N' word?

When I was younger I thought I wanted to be one when I got older
but one time the teacher called me the ‘N' word in class. I smiled but all the other kids…laughed at me.
I was left ashamed.

One time my boss from work called me the ‘N' word in a meeting. I was proud and all my co-workers... hated me for it.
I was left embarrassed.

Another time I had a girlfriend tell me she was breaking up with me. I asked her- Why? What did I do wrong? She said you did nothing wrong but you're to much of a ‘N' kind of guy for me. I begged and pleaded 'but baby baby I can change I promise, just give me another chance to prove that I am not one' but it was to late. So I was left confused.
I guess I was the guy that her mom warned her about when she was little girl. ‘Stay away from boys like that'

‘N' guys don’t get the jobs, the money, the fame, the women. In fact they finish last in every race and are expected to.

So why is this so important to me?
So why do I want to be one so bad?

They dress, act, and even talk different. Have you seen there handshake? You know the one I am talking about, strong firm grip to show everyone who they are and what they represent. No one has respect for those kind of people. For the style of clothes they wear. For there behavior and actions in public. For the language that they use around other people. It is like they speak in code, so that way no outsider can understand what they're saying. Well at least to me it is like they're speaking in a foreign language.

But I have to admit, I have some of there clothes hidden in the back of my closet. I tried them on in the privacy of my own home but won’t dare to wear them out in public. I stand in front of the mirror, acting like them, mimicking there moves, and even saying the word over and over but making sure no one else can hear me.

I see them everywhere and so have you-admit it. There at your school, your work, on the city bus. One time I was at a Restaurant and there was one serving me. It almost made me not want to eat. How can anyone be happy with the service from someone of that kind? I demanded to speak to the manager.

Another time one try holding the door open for me at the Convenience Store.
'No thanks but I can hold my own door'

Their homeless one but at the same time- their bankers, cops, and even doctors. I rather die before I let one operate on me.

There some that live in my neighborhood. I see them all the time as I drive in and out and they wave but I don’t wave back, in fact all I want to do is yelled and screamed at them…
'Go back to your side of town'
I mean how did they even get into my neighborhood. So much for the Homeowner Association.

I was at the stop light one time and one pulled up right next to me in the exact same model car as me, all I think is…
'How do they afford these car?’

But deep down inside I want to be one so bad.
Why can't I say the ‘N' word?

What happen if I say it back?
How would other people react? How would they look at me?
What would my family, friends, kids think of me if they hear me say it. Speaking of kids- are they automatically one if I am one? My grandkids? Is it pass down from generations to generations.

One afternoon I saw a whole group of them standing outside my neighbor’s yard barbecuing, so I thought this would be a good idea and time to finally get the chance to talk to them and see what I can get out of them.
I thought about taking some kind of house warming gift but I don’t even know what they like.
I thought about taking something to drink but I don’t even know what they drank. What kind of food they eat?

What was I going to wear? How would I act? What will I say?
Screw it, I build up enough confidence to finally go talk to them. I mean, what is the worst thing that can happen right?

Alright, here goes nothing….

“Hey…. ‘Nice' guys”

(Now read it again and this time keep your eyes close and your mouth shut..)

Richard Alicea

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