Words Never Spoken

To my dear, dear mother, I cannot hold on.
To the memory that you have ingrained.
Into my head, don't you know what it does?
My mind keeps playing chess games on me.
The wars are surrounding me one by one.
All I ever wanted was for you to be proud.
Wishing me a day's full of exquisite grace.
Instead of a day's filled with this torment.
A day where you never look at me with hate.
Where you never regret the day I was born.
I'm not at fault by all of your past faults.
Whether done by you or by someone else.
All I ever wanted was a mother's true love.
Thats why I kept going back for second's.
I refused to brand you the mother of hate.
I made myself blind to all of your rages.
I made myself blind to your web of illusions.
I carved myself into someone unrecognizable.
Thinking all along somehow you'd believe.
That I was exactly the daughter you wanted.
That you would hold me in a mothers embrace.
Protect me from all of the gross monsters.
That came to see this little girl who could feel.
I disguised it so well, I learned to play along.
I made myself play the game of illusions.
In time I learned to seal shut all of my senses.
I pretended to not hear my name discussed.
Repeated over and over in malice and disgust.
Stored all of my empathy in pandoras box.
Drowned out my voice in flowing waters.
Never allowing myself to sing a song of true beauty.
I also learned how to hate my very essence.
And everything of me I hadn't destroyed.
Was locked up really tight in this grand box.
Away from all the eyes that came to hate me.
Now looking back as a grown, grown woman.
I know that I need to write this as it flows.
This is the only way that I can be set free
From the chains that bind me to this hate.
I can never tell any of this to your face.
I still love you so much to destroy the tower.
That you built so you can rule over people like me.
But even if I love you, I still must be reborn.
I can no longer be keeping the stains of deep shame.
And expect to live when death beckons me.
Harkening to hear my voice say it's name.
Instead I must choose to see the eagles.
Leading me straight to the Phoenix.
Because thats where my soul family really live.

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