Workout Nightmare


You broke me
It didn't happen overnight
It took months and months of words said
I brushed it off and didnt let it bother me
I denied my gut and kept coming to see you
I liked you, on the days where everything was fine, we had fun and I got stronger
As I let my walls fall little by little, you told me you cared
That was my first mistake, I should of kept quiet
I was just so desperate for someone to see me
I pushed aside everything because I thought I could trust you
Than one night as I retained information to contact you
You saw something you should not have, instead of letting it go and pretending it didn't happen you asked about it.
I did not know what to say or what to do
It got awkward as you continued talking as I chose not to say anything
You told me not to tell, specifically my therapist
You told me too much and I could not process it
I was merely a naive child
You thought we were friends and could understand each other but that is not true
I learned too much about you
I didn't want to be friends
As months passed I felt like things were fine and all had been forgotten.
One night, you started asking questions, I didn't know what to do
I answered, you used the age difference to earn respect you never deserved
You used your age to make it seem like I should’ve respected you because you are older
I left, I knew it wasn't right and I knew I couldn't tell
God forbid I am not dramatic
Then came when you revealed your past to me
I didn't want to know, we aren't the same, I wasn’t you
Yes, I self harm(ed) but the reasons are not the same
Superficial or not it's still pain unspoken
Clearly I was not ok
Tell me I want attention, and I go home and cut deeper
I have scars from this that burn and disgust me to look at because they remind me of you and the horrible thing you said that my mentally unstable self acted upon.
You asked why when you saw what I did, I couldn't tell you.
All I could say was you don’t know me. You don't know my story
Months pass
Then you get a squat machine
My back is finally ok and can hold weight after straining it
We use the machine and you are trying to be funny and make me laugh
I just wanted to leave and be anywhere else
I finish and you jokingly let it down again so I have to go down and push it back up
You put your knee between my legs so if I went down I would be sitting on it
I looked at you and stood there not moving until you removed your leg
You noticed how serious I was, I was not going to let you push me around
I gathered my things and left
A couple weeks pass and all is calm again
We talk about music and artists
As it grows closer to my birthday you say I will be legal
Legal? For what?
Cryptic and random bursts of you saying I will be legal but for what?
Then come my birthday, you wish me a great day
I see you the next night, and everything was fine and I was happy and going out after with my family
Then after finishing up push-ups, you stand in front of me and say knees
Then when I oblige you bust out laughing, you say you were testing me seeing if I would really do it
I turn red, and suddenly I can't breathe, im panicking
What just happened? I gather myself and my belongings and leave
I feel gross, and of course you tell me not to tell
I sit in my car trying to breathe, I cry
You will just twist the story if I ever tell anyway.
Months pass and there are jokes and questions here and there about things I don't wish to discuss
I grow quiet, I grow weary, you see this change and you ask what's wrong
It’s not like I will tell you, my wall is up and i'm on guard
I do what I need to and then I leave
I start getting sick with anxiety everytime I see you
The last time I saw you, something made me realize that I need to let go and leave
I had planned on discussing it before I left
Then as the session ended you said “Be a good girl, do what you’re told”
That straw was the last, I left, i cried
You never monitored and figured out that things you say do not always sound how you think
I felt degraded, but I felt violated more
I spent months giving you chance after repeatedly making me uncomfortable or hurt
It took me another week to talk to my parents about you
I knew I did not want to go back to you but I knew I had to be careful how I said things
You knew it would be difficult telling anyone because of my christian parents and your friendship with my therapist
I did it though, I told so I would never have to see you again
I told them I felt violated and harassed in a capacity
I didn't say you came onto me because you did not
However, you made me feel uncomfortable
My parents type up a notice of cancelling your contract and the refund of money for make ups
I message you and tell you about it, however part of it doesn't go through and all you get is delete and block me
You ask why
I don't answer
A few days later, you text, confused as to why I left
You claim to never have gotten the letter
I tell you you made me uncomfortable and when you do not understand I say I had a crush on you
I wanted you to leave me alone and I knew that would shut you up
I would never like you like that, I cannot stand you
How you made me feel
You told my therapist before I got the chance.
I could of done things differently and I tried to do them right but you do not listen
You told her that I misunderstood the situation
Did I misunderstand it over 10 times?
You twisted the truth, maybe you meant something else but by context and things said before and after events, I believe you knew exactly what you were doing
You made it seem like I was wrong
You made me upset yet again
You couldn't even apologize
You then even asked if i was coming back
You saw a girl who was hurting and unsure
You made her feel safe and accomplished
You destroyed her sense of self
She no longer can look in mirrors or be around men without being on guard
You never touched me but you stole a part of me
You broke me and there are pieces I still can't find

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