Your Birthday / My Worst Day


Today I cry and I die just a little more inside
trying to hide or confide my pride that others decide
I have too much of... These tears and the facing of fears
of yet the years without you, my first love, first child,
such a wild and new reality...

I see....
that I am not ever going to be okay with this loss
I try to force myself to go on, to move along, to be so strong
but now I know a new lonely....
although I realize that I am not the only mother or parent
who has suffered such loss.....OF COURSE NOT....
but I am the only mother who knows this horrible reality
of being without you because you were my first one
so how could I ever accept that we are done?
How could I ever forget Tyrene?....
I am the only mother who really knows what that means.....
It means to really let go.....but I - just - did - not - know
I DIDN'T KNOW....I DIDN'T KNOW....I - DID - NOT - KNOW....
that I would REALLY, REALLY HAVE TO LET GO.....
But I just can't and NO I won't.... so don't ...
Don't anyone ever think or pretend that this whole thing
does not offend my mother-ism ... My very being is in some prison
until I forgive him for ever leaving...

So then each day there's a little less of me to be given away
because I keep reliving, I KEEP RELIVING THAT DAY!
And yet they say that if I pray it will all get easier to deal with...
They say, "You learn to live with it" but I still just yearn
not to live with it, not to forget....but not to live with it...
but to wake up from this nightmare to find you there
in all your care and dare and wear and tear
waiting for me to come to visit you...but as for now...
It hurts so much....IT HURTS SO MUCH...for me to even think of you...
and yet I cannot stop thinking of you

There's a knife in my heart and it's just twisting and turning
tearing my life apart, burning my heart and I start begging,
pleading for closure and for this terrible grieving to be over
because I want the good memories and I want to grasp your smile again..
Is it ever in the stars????

Was I so wrapped up in my promotions?
Was I so wrapped up that it became my devotion to avoid you?
I swear, it was never my choice to never, never, ever
hear your voice again.....
but now these tears fall upon this page
tear stains rain up a brand new rage, new pain drains my life
to a brand new brand new stage and yet still I age
just a little more each day....

Whoever said that I never tried to keep you satisfied,
Whoever said that I never tried to prevent your suicide,
Whoever said that I never tried not to be so terrified,
Oh how they lied, OH HOW THEY LIED!

Who said that I would choose to lose so precious?
Because I swear I never chose to let you go....
Who said that when we lose that there's some justice?
Cause if that's so I'm justified to lose control....
Don't you think that I know that God sent you to me?
Don't you think it's so that God lent you to me?
and as it goes that it is now that my destiny is in his hands,
that's where I stand.....I understand.....

So even though your birthdays are my worst days from now on
I will still never, ever say good bye....MY TYE....
and if anyone ever wonders why the bad mood
then I'll simply nonchalantly tell them why,
"because today I cry and die just a little more inside
and I will never feel the same because you died...

MOM.....

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