26 Minutes

To be cold
To be bitter
Is just a sign
You want something sweeter
Than the life you have right now
But like attracts like
Cold attracts cold
Opposite of science
But it's not supposed to make sense
It's twisted
It's confusing
It's messed up
It's convoluted
My brain is convulsing
Choking on this energy
It's dark and negative
But at times it's comforting
See it's crazy, and I am crazy
I have this thing in my mind where I'm always self blaming
To break that habit isn't easy
It's like being an addict trying to stop cold turkey
I'm hooked on feeling like I'm worthless
But on some days, it feels like this therapy is working
The greyness that once used to surround me
It's being erased slowly, steadily
On other days, the pencil doesn't do it for me
And it starts coloring in the clarity
That has just become apparent to me
There's no guarantee
Of keeping myself happy
And the thought not only haunts me
It suffocates me
Like it has no place better to be
Like it's comfortable sitting in my chest making it hard to breathe
I'm numb
It takes over my body
It's dumb
It doesn't make me feel bad exactly
It's feels like I'm floating
Or on a boat going
Through the water
Then under and under
Drifting like I'm at peace
Consciousness is what I'm losing
So I stop trying
I try not to think of my life before
And I try not to think of my life after
I try not to think about the war
That I had given up fighting
I tried not think of all that was wrong
I tried not to think about what I was fighting for
I tried
But nobody would leave me alone
And nobody would ever let go
They won't let me fall in that deep sleep
That is going to reach us all eventually
"I won't let this happen again" they said
As I was pulled out of the ground and onto a bed
With bright light shining into my soul
Scaring the creatures that enveloped me as a whole
The blanket of pain that covered me
Was being cut off by a scalpel and scissors
Removed from my body like it was poisoning me
It's was a strong detoxification
So much that I forgot what my name is
Then someone told me that I can be whoever I want to be
That I should do what makes me happy
So I dumped out, threw up, and exfoliated.
I washed off, dressed up and put on foundation
I wore a pretty dress and looked at my reflection
And held out my hand, and made an introduction
"Hi, it's nice to finally meet you"