Behave Yourself, Little Girl

Don’t shed a tear, don’t slam your door. Behave yourself, little girl. Don’t yell at me, you can’t be angry. You know that’s bad. That’s why your friend on the playground got in a fight, because she was mad. Mad people hurt each other, mad people kill. They become drug addicts and end up in jail. You don’t want to be like that, so behave yourself. When someone asks how you’re doing, you will say “I’m fine.” That is the only socially appropriate response. It doesn’t matter if you’re sick, or if someone just died. The only thing you can say is “I’m fine.”
You feel bad about yourself or you’re nervous? I know that’s the case because you’re shy, but your response still better be “I’m fine.” Sadness and anger are bad. Someone just did something bad to you and you’re angry? Don’t let it show. So, grandpa just died, I wanted to let you know. It’s okay to be sad, but don’t you dare cry. You wouldn’t want to be a cry baby and embarrass yourself now.
Guess what? I obeyed. I never let you see me angry. I did feel angry at times before I knew it wasn’t “bad” to feel that way and I was scared. I never let you see me cry. I learned to do that behind closed doors. I took all those feelings out on myself because I wasn’t allowed to express them in any other way. You found that out though and apparently that wasn’t okay either but to be honest, I still struggled with that.
Maybe that chapter is over now though because I’m no longer that little girl. I’ve grown up and understand now why he turned to drugs or why she’s never around. I still have trouble admitting to feeling anything other than happiness, but now that I’m older, you don’t have to be nearby. I have space to express myself now. I scream, I cry, I slam doors if I want. I let it out, so I don’t feel inclined to take my feelings out on my body.
Would you be happy if you knew I found a better outlet? Would you be jealous I broke the cycle of being ashamed of feeling and expressing emotions? Would you be mortified to know I don’t shove it down and pretend everything is okay when I’m alone? Honestly, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I’m breaking a tradition.