Feelings

I can’t think straight
Don’t feel right
Reliving that nightmare
How’d I get here?
Why did this happen to me?
Am i responsible for this somehow?
I don’t know anymore
I feel numb
I want to hide
I want to die
I want to go back

Can I try again?
Can I save her this round?
Will I not be abandoned this round?
Will I still survive or die trying?
Will she still end up dead at the end?
Why did I survive?
I know I can’t change the past
I would still want to try
I just want to be ok, at the end?

Some days, why I even try?
What’s the point?
Why me and not her?
What’s my purpose?
Was she supposed to die?
What if we both survived, would I be here?
I’m not the same person back than
I’m not the same person now
Yet they feel the same
Maybe…
This is my hell.

This is my labyrinth
No matter the choices
I’m always wrong
I always fail
I’m being punished
Am I even truly alive??

When things seem good
The bad always comes
Bad overrides the good
Maybe I’m just toxic
I’m of no use here
Except my own demise

Maybe I am a demon
Maybe I’m here for destruction only
Maybe I’m only here to cause pain
Maybe I really am dead

I can’t hold on to anything
Everyone eventually leaves me
At the end of the day I’m always alone
Alone to fight these demons
Alone to fight these wars

Even when I have people
I still feel alone
Just a void, that’s never filled.
A void of destruction
I don’t feel much
Unless its self inflicted

I ruin everything
I ruin everyone
I ruin people who are already ruined

I give up
I’m done trying
Whatever happens, happens
I’ve accepted who I am
I’ve accepted what I do
I’ve accepted my fate

Still can’t help but to think:
Maybe I am just a bad person
Maybe I’m just problematic

What do you think?