A Numb Lie

Everything aches so so much
Right foot, left foot I stumble
I don’t realize I’m bleeding anymore
The pain just matches the background
I’m afraid of the pain of the lighter on my wrist
But it’s easier to salute in the middle of the street
Hoping a car comes by, and that’ll be the end
Caffeine clouds my mind, darkening the rain clouds within it
I’m reminded of how badly I failed my family
I’m a failure, I’m a loser, and I’m a nobody
The road is like an old friend with pretty lights dancing
Across a cracked stone surface
The beautiful headlights are calling my name
I’m attracted to them like a moth to lightbulb
I know it’ll hurt, but I just want this pain to end
Every morning I wake up and wish I never did
Every night’s impossible to sleep without my hearing my parents phantom arguments
I can’t stop thinking of that I could’ve done more to make things right
Lies haunt me constantly through my waking moments
Those same words “It’s his fault, it’s his fault, it’s his fault”
I hate those lies, but I have lies as well
“Im not suicidal” I tell the judge
“I’m not depressed” I tell everyone

“I’m okay” I tell myself