Day and Night
The paradigm of youth unfurled at the fist,Then clenched back up around the fat of my breast
So there it is,
The contents of my life's bliss
Splattered on the walls of an empty abyss
Ahh so there it is,
The contents of a lover's journal
They lied,
Someone told me we were born eternal
And if the sun hid in fear,
Would the world move slower,
And could I finally tear
Calm me,
Please,
And by morning let it fall,
Dragged by the ankles of my shadow,
A pain to enthrall
Keep me hollow,
At least my ignorance will hold companionship,
Oh what a championship
So let sleep come,
Come as a coma
Lay rest to my sullen fury,
And let die both judge and jury
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Day and Night
PoetChitra Nidadavolu
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Day and Night
PoetChitra Nidadavolu
I can see what you are trying to do here. However, you use too many words in the wrong way and you force too many idea, rhymes and concepts together making this poem incoherent. I would re-read the poem, move things around a bit to keep thematically consistent and then work in a few more action oriented words.
I had to reread this to make any form of sense, and yet I still don't think I know what you are trying to say. You used very vibrant words but not in any way that mattered. I agree with Rowe on this one, you need a central message.
I am confused on multiple levels. Keep trying, though. I don't want to be that negative comment that turns you off of writing forever.
I think you are a very natural poet.... though im a little unsure of the message, but maybe im just dumb.
Raw and thought provoking...ignorance is bliss...is one way to keep companions. Yes, and as all of us...can be improved rhythmically.
When I was young, I thought I knew it all. I had it all figured out. The world was a big, wide open place, like an uncast line in the water, just waitin’ to reel in a catch. But over the years, things change. People change. You learn quick that the world isn’t always as big as it seems, and sometimes, even the sun gets scared and hides behind the clouds. I thought love was forever, that we were all made for eternity. Turns out, the only thing eternal is the pain of realizing it ain’t.
The word choice is beautifully provocative at the start, but you quickly lose focus with the lack of consistency. I LOVE that your message is not abundantly clear at first glance, it’s a dying art. However, the poem still should be pleasing and rhythmic (or at least appealing in some way) the *whole* way through.
Nice
I reread a few times, and I was able to piece it together.
A bit unclear
There are a few good lines (eg, the last one), and I don't mind that it's unclear, but a lot of the images and rhymes feel forced and insincere.
I feel like that all the time but don't let it get to you good days will come they always do until then keep writing and keep up the great work.
I feel like that all the time but don't let it get to you good days will come they always do until then keep writing and keep up the great work.