Dissapear

There’s a place I go where no one can see not even people who swear they love me sit in my room full of echoes and air and wonder how I can be here but not there. My vouce feels quiet before it’s even made ,like it knows it’ll vanish like it’s already fade. I reach for connection for something that stays, but it slips through my fingers like smoke in a haze the nights are the loudest they press on my chest, it pulls every regret from the holes I’ve suppressed and the weight of my habits the pull of my pain keeps calling me back like a familiar chain. I wanted help once, I think maybe I did , but I buried it deep like a shameful secret hid, and when it comes out broken an sharp cutting my hands that were close to my heart.so I pushed them away, before they could leave, made distance my safety, taught my self to not need an now I’m surrounded by space I designed an emptiness but by the war in my mind evil I just don’t think I know peace , don’t know how to hold it or make the noise cease. Maybe that’s why I feel so alone like disappearing is easier than admitting I am the reason I’m all alone.