Santa Crisis

One Christmas Eve I decided
To stay up really late
I wanted to see Santa Clause
And his Reindeer-all eight
My eyelids were feeling heavy
But I kept pinching myself awake
Until I heard the jingle of bells
The excitement making me shake
I heard such a loud noise
As I crept downstairs
I peeked through the door ajar
Santas clothes had rips and tears!
He struggled to get out
From our old fire place
And he was walking all funny
As if he was in a daze
Scrambling through his sack
To get our presents out
He fell over and hit his head
With such a loud clout!
Eventually he plonked them
Beneath the glittering tree
And the to my amazement
He stood up to have a pee!
He pee'd all over our tree
I couldn't believe my eyes!
This couldn't be Santa Clause I thought
Watching him in such surprise
Just when I thought
Things could get no worse
He raids my Mothers handbag
And goes through her purse!
You'll never guess what he does next
As he's stumbling around our home
He swigs some whisky, gin and rum
And then he smokes a cone!
Then back up the chimney he struggles
And the sound of the bells fade away
I was absolutley gobsmacked
And this is what I heard the next day
'Santa Clause found passed out'
Is what the headlines read
They found him slumped on top of the last house
They thought that he was dead
He was airlifted to hospital
And taken to a psychiatric ward
Poor Santa will be there a while
I've heard he's getting bored
Interviews are running for a new Santa
I wonder who will succeed
I wonder if he also likes the drink
Or if he just prefers the weed
Or maybe he is straight and narrow
But what fun is that to see
Although he mugged us and pissed on our tree
It was uncontrollably funny!