In too Deep

I look at myself in the mirror and say to myself.
“You’re in too deep this time, right?”
And every time I respond…” I know, I know”

Why is it that every time I feel like I have turned my life around,
There is this voice always yelling at me… “YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.”
I get into this situation, and I think to myself… I am invincible

No one can hurt me anymore,
Cause I am the picture of numb
Yet I still get this aching in my bones…

An ache that can only be described as fear.
Fear that something or someone is coming for me,
I can’t outrun this fear.

I try to run, but I fall
back into addiction, self-harm, and self-hate
I fall back into the very things that God helped me get away from.

Am I not invincible? Am I not as numb as I thought I was?
Does God love me? How can he love someone like me?
These questions run through my head as I drift off to sleep.

Here comes that voice again, this time it is yelling in my ear
“YOU’LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE”
I try to ignore it, but it just keeps getting louder
I grab my head and start to cry, but then I feel a gentle touch on my shoulder

I look up to see who touched me, but then I remember that I am alone
Then I hear a whisper in my ear, and this new calmer voice says
“You are good enough. You are who I made you to be.”

I wipe my tears and look up to the ceiling and ask
“God, how can you love someone who has done nothing but disappoint you?”
God answers in his still small voice
“My child you have not disappointed me. You have shown me that your faith is strong.”

I do not have to be invincible
I have God on my side
He will protect me, guide me, love me
And remind me that I am enough

I look at myself in the mirror and speak
“You’re in too deep this time, right?”
I respond “I know, I know but I have God to help me through it”